Monday
AM. Finally, the last Monday in January! Life gets marginally more bearable from here on in as people come to realise that their ridiculous New Year’s resolutions were all a load of bollocks and they are now free to accept their own crapulence. I didn’t even bother making any as I knew I would never see them through. Some people would call that defeatist, I just call it forward thinking.
PM. Excited call from Bessie Mate Fiona – her new fella is coming to her flat tonight for dinner. She met him in the pub over Christmas and is keen to hang on to him for at least a couple more weeks yet so she isn’t single on Valentine’s; after that she’s okay with it all going tits up.
Tuesday
AM. Call from Fiona to say date was a disaster. It seems yer man showed up with a bottle of wine and wait for it… a tin of Quality Street – what a prick!
PM. Hector baffled as to why Fiona’s fella is a lost cause simply because he brought around a tin of Quality Street. Explained to him that while usually women are in favour of chocolate in any form, even the most Neanderthal of men surely knows that you never gift a woman with a TIN of choccies unless she’s a granny, ageing aunt, or some other pinny-wearing female.
Wednesday
AM. Male contingent is up in arms! They are demanding to know what the deal with the forbidden tin of choccies is.
PM. Spent the morning gently explaining to male colleagues that boxes of chocolates are infinitely preferable to tins. Also, as Fiona pointed out, giving a tin of chocolates in January is even worse than at any other time of the year because it’s plainly obvious they are just Christmas leftovers.
Thursday
AM. Thinking of penning a new book and pitching it to major publisher. Working title: ‘Buying chocolate for women so that you increase your chances of going to bed with them: A guide for men.’
PM. Have conferred with female colleagues and collated preliminary research for book. Here’s a quickie low down on the chocolate pecking order: 3) A luxury truffle in a presentation box, a walnut whip or a creme egg – these are simple middle-of-the-week loving gestures. 2) A giant bag of sweets, a box of Maltesers, Revels, or a small box of choccies – these are weekend type gifts to accompany a movie or The X-Factor. 1) A large box of luxury chocolates with at least two layers, ideal for birthdays or special occasions – a woman should not be expected to share these unless she wants to.
Friday
AM. Forgot to add two important notes: 1) Tins of chocolates are out unless they are heart-shaped tins in which case they are fine. 2) Gifting your woman with a bag of pic n mix should only be attempted at highly advanced, nay, enlightened levels (another book opp here methinks).
PM. Have been congratulated by several men this morning who reported that the simple gesture of a walnut whip or creme egg was greeted with squeals of excitement and cost them less than a quid. Time to ring the publisher. Ch-chiiing!
